My Deep Dark Abyss

I'll be the first to admit that there have been times in my life when I should have been sent away in a straight jacket. Undergoing IVF is certainly no exception. I haven't even started taking any synthetic hormones yet and already I'm unbearable to be around. Since the moment that we walked out of the CCRM clinic, my emotions have been all over the board. I want nothing more to be a mother but can't understand why we have to spend so much money on something that ordinary people get for free, or worse take for granted. Where did I go wrong in my life to deserve this fate? Long ago I stopped attending baby showers and it pains me to no end to see a pregnant women. Even worse, I always seem to get to get the pregnant employees at the office and I often listen to them complain about being pregnant. I want nothing more than to scream at the top of lungs how blessed these women are for the gift that has been bestowed upon them. They still don't listen. My wonderful mother doesn't seem to help this either. She's always been quick to point out a cute baby in my presence and it hurts knowing that I can't give her the blessing of a grandchild.

I hit my all time low in 2008 when a tumor was discovered on my spinal cord between L1 and L2 vertebrae, followed by six weeks of radiation therapy. Just before undergoing the necessary back surgery, I turned to my husband and said, "please write on my tombstone..greatest legacy never achieved." Obliviously my condition wasn't severe enough to bring me to deaths doorstep, but the thought of not having children was enough to kill me. I was afraid that this latest illness would certainly be the end of my fertility. Which of course was my biggest fear heading into our first official appointment at CCRM. After talking to our new Endocrinologist he informed me that the radiation therapy could have thinned the walls of my uterus...making pregnancy extremely dangerous. After undergoing an ultrasound we luckily learned that I had no residual effects from the radiation to my uterus.

I seriously need to pull myself out of this funk before I'm sent to my own private desert island...